


don't judge a book by its cover

by lucienna



Category: Gintama
Genre: Excessive Amounts of Drama and General Debauchery, F/F, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, Romance, i'd say sacchan doesn't deserve this but...she does., tsukuyo however does not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-21 22:51:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13750857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucienna/pseuds/lucienna
Summary: Unidentified woman exiting Gintoki’s apartment at 5:36AM + Sarutobi Ayame hiding between the balcony of the Yorozuya and the sign for Otose’s Snack House + Tsukuyo = terrifying amounts of both drama and alcohol.





	don't judge a book by its cover

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dearfriendicanfly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearfriendicanfly/gifts).



> i wrote this so long ago and im finally publishing it lol

She cannot believe this. She truly, simply  _ cannot _ believe this. 

 

A woman (a woman! an actual woman!) just slid out of the back door of the Yorozuya, _ this early in the morning _ , and crept down a back alley before disappearing.

 

Sacchan would have followed her, but her body had been struck by such instantaneous rage that all she could manage was to continue lying behind the Otose’s Snack House sign and internally scream for several minutes. She would have gone inside the house and screamed, but Kagura had set up bear traps in all the cupboards again and Sacchan was  _ certainly _ in no mood to deal with that. 

 

What else could it mean!? Unless that Shinpachi boy had grown up very, very,  _ very  _ fast, it could really only mean one thing! It could only mean that her devotion, her helpfulness, her stalking, all the great lengths she had gone to for so long,  _ all her love  _ had been for absolutely  _ nothing _ ! Nothing, nothing, nothing! 

 

She lies there wailing until Tama’s forced to come with a giant broom and sweep her away. Literally.

 

\--

 

She has a plan of action for this, of course. She has a contingency plan for every scenario involving Gintoki, a room dedicated to files full of very complicated and top-secret blueprints. “Mysterious Woman Exiting House At 5:36 AM” is right between “Mysterious Woman Exiting House At 5:35 AM” and “Anpan Apocalypse” (yes, that particular one was unlikely and she wasn’t  _ quite _ sure what it might entail, but when you, ah,  _ interrupt _ mail being delivered to the house where the man of your affections lives, and it’s covered in the word anpan over and over written with increasingly frantic letters, you can never,  _ ever  _ be too careful). 

 

Creeping along the alley the woman vanished into, Sacchan thinks about the plan, reading the steps over and over. The plan calls for several things. The first rule of the plan is that no one else must know about the plan. Ever. 

 

The second rule of the plan is the necessity of an extensive gathering of information. She needs to know how long this has been going on, whether it’s a serious thing, and who exactly this woman is. She won’t hurt her, Sacchan is not that low. She will, however, observe every mannerism of this woman that Gin-san could possibly be attracted to and explain to Gin-san in great detail why  _ all _ of said mannerisms have  _ highly _ dangerous  _ extremely _ negative effects on him and, as Sacchan is the only woman without any of these horrible traits, he should date  _ her _ instead. 

 

The third rule of the plan is…..well, there isn’t much else, but it’s not  _ Sacchan’s _ fault that doomsday possibilities involving Gin-san abound, from him developing a complex and falling in love with a chair to his evil father coming back to try and murder everyone in Kabukichou! She really had a lot to get through! If she tried, she could probably think of new scenarios all day! She actually gets extremely distracted with thinking up new scenarios right then ( _ could  _ background model #16 suddenly become important and steal Gin-san’s heart?) and therefore does not notice as someone comes up behind her and plucks the paper straight out of her hands. 

 

“The hell is this, Sarutobi?” Tsukuyo asks, waving the plan in the air with the hand not holding her kiseru. “Step 1: No one must know about the plan?” 

 

For the second time that day, Sacchan begins to screech, loudly and unceasingly. 

 

-

 

Tsukuyo is as invested in Gin-san’s love life as Sacchan is, and therefore refuses to leave her alone until she knows exactly what is happening and exactly what Sacchan is doing about it. So Sacchan gains a partner. 

 

It’s not completely terrible, admittedly. Tsukki is actually helpful. Besides, she’s obviously better than Tsukki in every way and  _ certainly  _ better for Gin-san, so it’s not like she has anything to worry about. Who smokes a kiseru in this day and age? It makes her look like a villain, that’s what it does. All she needs is an eyepatch and she’ll be set. 

 

They spend that day walking the area around Otose’s store, inquiring about Mysterious Woman. They aren’t getting much information, it seems as if none of the shop owners or residents have seen the woman with Gin-san, or really even seen her at all. Sacchan was, at one point, suspicious that they might have been paid off to misinform the two of them, but Tsukki pointed out that there was a very low chance Gin-san would have the money to pay anyone off, considering he could barely pay his own employees. Sacchan, as hard as she tried, couldn’t argue with that. 

 

In a way, the lack of credible information is a good thing - it means that whatever’s  _ going on  _ hasn’t been going on for long enough for anyone to notice Mysterious Woman. 

 

Of course, it could also mean that Mysterious Woman is extremely crafty and difficult to find, which would  _ not  _ be a good thing. Sacchan voices this with much panic before Tsukki again points out that the two of them are a highly trained ninja and a head of an elite security force and anyone they’re teaming up to try and catch isn’t going to evade them for long, so she really shouldn’t worry.

 

Tsukki is weirdly comforting when Sacchan doesn’t antagonize her. Hmm.

 

\--

 

It has been four days, and Sacchan is losing it.

 

Neither of them like defeat, neither of them. They are extremely against it, practically heads of the anti-defeat coalition. But as the days drag on with absolutely no lead in sight, the admission of defeat becomes a very enticing possibility. They’ve spent the past four days together, using every skill they have and enrolling every bit of help they can find, and yet neither of them can uncover a thing. For god’s sake, they tried to bribe Kagura into giving them info! Three giant bags of sukonbu! And then when Tsukki explained to her what they wanted, she just burst into hysterical laughter and ran like the wind, with all that sukonbu!

 

Sacchan sighs. How a fellow member of Diamond Perfume could betray her like that, she didn’t know. She glances at Tsukki out of the corner of her eyes. At least they’re both being quite upfront about their intentions. Although she’s going to be honest, she didn’t think Tsukki liked Gintoki enough to help Sacchan track down some Mysterious Woman for four days straight. 

 

She tells Tsukki as much. It comes out slurred, because they’re both drunk as hell at Kyoushirou’s host club (and no, that does  _ not  _ count as admitting defeat, because Sacchan wrote in as the third rule that getting drunk as hell at a host club is a highly necessary step to the plan).

 

Tsukki tips another glass of champagne into her mouth. “Ya know, I like Gintoki well enough, but watching you make a fool outta yourself frantically runnin’ around is some of the best entertainment I’ve had. We should hang out more,” she adds, giving Sacchan a sideways grin as she finishes that glass and picks up another one. 

 

And Sacchan just complimented her in her internal thoughts! So much for sisterhood! For friendship! For solidarity over discovering an unidentified woman coming out of your eternal love’s apartment at 5:36AM! But then Tsukki starts hysterically laughing and Sacchan realizes she just said all of that out loud, and when you’re drop-dead tired and drunk as hell it’s sort of hard to not laugh when someone else starts laughing. 

 

Besides (not that she’ll ever tell Tsukki this), her laugh is clear and bright and not at all unpleasant to listen to, especially with her blonde hair flying everywhere and her kimono hanging half-off her shoulder. And if that’s unfaithful to her aforementioned eternal love, well! Gintoki’s  _ certainly _ put her through  _ enough _ the past few days!

 

-

  
  


Tsukki shakes Sacchan awake at 2 in the morning, both still draped over the couches of the host club.

 

“We’re complete idiots, Sarutobi.”

 

“Speak for yourself, I happen to be highly intelligent.” Sacchan mutters, flipping herself back over to bury her head in the cushions. Tsukki grabs her and forces her to sit up.

 

“Sarutobi. You must have been hiding somewhere to see the Mysterious Woman leave Gintoki’s apartment. This  _ whole time _ we should have just been waiting there in the morning to see if she comes out again.” Tsukki pauses, staring at her. “Wait, why didn’t you follow her the first time?”

 

Sacchan would explain how just the  _ possibility _ of another woman being with her Gin-san was so distressing that she had been obligated to stay exactly where she was and shriek for several hours at the unfairness of it all, but she has a distinct feeling that Tsukki would just roll her eyes into the back of her head and  _ completely ignore _ Sacchan’s very valid reaction. So she settles for letting out long, loud moan and rolling off the couch towards the exit. 

 

Tsukki quickly follows, but when they’re almost to the exit, she sticks a foot in front of the still-rolling Sacchan, turning back into the host club. “Wait.”

 

Sacchan sits up, confused. “What are you doing? Are you grabbing some poor host to drag along? Don’t tell me you’re already planning your rebound, Tsukki, I cannot believe you admit defeat this easily, it’s really disgraceful-”

 

Tsukki comes back with two bottles of sake, one of which she leans over and sticks in Sacchan’s sash. “Who needs men for a rebound?”

 

Sacchan will swear under oath that she didn’t want to laugh at that. She’s not going to  _ need  _ a rebound anyway, because Gin-san will see her and immediately denounce whatever other lady loves he has because Sacchan is just that much of a fantastic match for him. But she’s still hungover, and maybe her resolve has crumbled a bit after four days of even more ridiculousness than usual, and okay, she does like Tsukki’s laugh and if she starts laughing Tsukki starts laughing and to her alcohol-addled brain laughing Tsukki is an excellent outcome. 

 

They don’t get out of the host club for another half-hour.  

 

-

 

The woman does indeed come out of the apartment again, the window this time. Tsukki spots her first. She’s certainly athletic, not even bothering to take the stairs and instead simply clambering down the side of the wall. Sacchan takes a few seconds to critically examine her once more as she and Tsukki silently shadow her down the alleyway. 

 

“Bright red lips, long dark hair, outrageously flowery kimono, you’d think Gin-san could be a bit more creative.” she mutters conspiratorially to Tsukki, who can’t help but snicker. 

 

The snicker is their undoing, because apparently the woman is also more observant than either of them would have thought, because she immediately whips around and - wait, is that a sword? 

 

Sacchan doesn’t have time to consider it before Mysterious Woman runs at them ridiculously fast and both of them are forced to jump out of the way, Tsukki pulling out her kunai. There’s a few tense, rapid seconds as they dart around her sword, throwing knives and shurikens before Sacchan sees an opening and jumps the woman and-

 

“What are you doing?! Who are you!?”

 

Involuntarily, Sacchan’s head snaps up to stare at Tsukki, who also looks shocked. The voice isn’t high or even feminine, instead it’s…..deep? And gravelly? And…..strangely familiar? 

 

Turning back to her prisoner, Sacchan sticks her nose directly in her face, staring right into her eyes. “The  _ better _ question, Mysterious Woman, is who are  _ you _ ?” She’s quite ready to continue and possibly give a very eloquent lecture on who the hell this woman thinks she is, but her captive immediately lets out a ridiculously high-pitched screech.

 

“IT’S KATSURA NOT MYSTERIOUS WOMAN!” 

 

She hears Tsukki steady herself and whisper “oh my god”. Sacchan can do nothing but stare for quite some time as he looks at her, obviously expecting her to keep talking. Then she gets up, grabs Tsukki’s arm, and walks robotically in the other direction.

 

That’s fine. This is fine. Katsura yells something after the two of them but honestly? Sacchan is quite done for the day. Or the week. Or month. Or forever. 

 

-

 

The two sit in silence on the roof of an Edo skyscraper, watching the sunrise. Sacchan will admit, it’s not the worst place to be, and not with the worst company. It’s just a little chilly, and Tsukki has her legs pulled up to her chest, blowing smoke out of her kiseru.

 

It’s a while, before she says anything.

 

“I mean, maybe Katsura was just hiding out in Gintoki’s house? The Shinsengumi still have him on their wanted list and -” 

 

Sacchan looks Tsukki dead in the eyes, reaches over into the other woman’s kimono, and takes out the sake bottle. Still holding eye contact, she pops the bottle’s seal and hands it to her. Tsukki stares back for a few more long, long seconds, and then puts down the kiseru and chugs half the bottle in one go. Sacchan’s a little impressed. 

 

She cracks open her own bottle and holds it out to Tsukki’s. “To spending five pointless days running around looking for mystery women to fight over some man with when said man’s playing for the other team?”

 

Wordlessly, Tsukki clanks Sacchan’s glass with hers and drinks the rest of the sake, tossing the now-empty bottle to the side. 

 

They sit just like that for a little while longer as Sacchan finishes her drink, much slower, before Tsukki laughs softly, bumping her shoulder against Sacchan’s. “Well, what  _ did _ I say, Sarutobi? Who needs men for a rebound?” 

  
At that, Sacchan actually does start laughing,  _ hard _ , hard enough to half-collapse against Tsukki who just snickers and snickers and snickers, and if the pinkish flush coloring both their cheeks isn’t  _ entirely  _ from the alcohol - well, that’s certainly not anyone else’s (especially not Gin-san’s) business, is it?

**Author's Note:**

> leave a kudos/comment if u liked it<3


End file.
